BIG GIRL TALK

Exams are funally over and it is through this that I have seen a real transformation in my personality and behaviours. I have kept very quiet about all this and that is becuase it was what was best for me. In the last year my anxiety skyrocketed and lead to a very and dark depression, the worst point was when I self-harmed ONCE and had a panic attack when I went to the other side of my bedroom. I was unable to hide it, and as a result confided in a lecturer and went to 'youth help centre' which got me into Crisis Team. They visited and monitored me everyday, and ultimately I moved out of PIHMS and asked my Mum to come up. Asking Mum I finally realized was necassary and not a defeat, even if it was the hardest thing I had ever done becuase in a way I didn't think I was worth helping.

This centred around alot of things such as being let down by people at PIHMS and so doing 6 team assignments alone, things snowballing with Mike, and the pressure I was putting on myself to stay up till 3am each night studying and then it all hit at exam time (June). Mum and moving out of PIHMS helped alot. I think Hannah caught a glimpse of a panic attack when it was my graduation for that I am sorry.

Meds, for me, are a life jacket, they keep you floating but they don't get you out. So I took my cousins advice and have been seeing a psychologist named Meika. This was very scary as my previous counselling expereinces left me feeling worse than better. This was different as Meika specializes in cognitive thinking and anxiety disorders. What we have done over time, is change the way I react to situations and then slowly hitting the fundements of why I think certain ways about situations (for example: I am going to fail turning into I think I am going to fail, and then saying to myself is this a worry or a problem and what supports it). So I am going to miss her alot when I am back in Wellington (even if she made me cry on purpose so I can learn to calm myself down - but she gave me pretty worksheets to fill out which was fun) but I now know the steps to help myself and take time out for myself.

That was what was so good about moving out of PIHMS becuase it became a physical way of getting out of study mode and into relax mode not just emotionally. That and the family has been very helpful being there if I just want to start talking about my day or about my feelings. TV, TV is good.

It was hard for me to open up and let people in , I think the main reason for this is my head was spinning about so many things that I just couldn't think. So telling Mum or anyone else was not a option in my mind, that and I was putting myself last thinking (they have there things to do, they will be angry/worried, blah blah...) which is the way people should think if they care for me. I am glad she came up even though it meant the family asked alot of questions because she knew how to get me out of beds in the morning and we could bitch about depression together which was a bit funny.

So I have had a real transformation and it is nice to reflect and see the change because this time round with exams I have been more 'Exams! Well I have studied so I will pass cause I rock, ooo facebook!' Which for me means that yes, I have written out my notes and understand them so don't push it.

But the biggest thing would have to be being completely honest and open with people. Today in the library I was talking to Kathy (libarain) who is about my age (in maturity) and went through something similar - but different. It was nice cause her desk is in the middle of the library and people kept walking past but I was telling her about how different I feel and she was telling me about how her weekend snowballed. So I was giving her some helpful advice and telling her about some techniques of seperating out the physical, emotional, and thought reactions you have to scenarios and finding the common spark which it centered around (for her it was being alone/misunderstood) and if you do enough the common themes come out then you can use another technique to in a way work backwards: stopping the panic attack once you have had it to before to stopping the physical reaction to stoping the emotional reaction ... and so on.

Which was pretty cool to be able to share but also cause for the first time I didn't give a hoot who over heard, and I don't think I will from now on. This is the kind of issue that I feel everyone will experience (maybe not to the extent I did) at least once in their lives. My Dad, who I thought would never 'get it', is actually going through it and I feel I went through mine to be able to help him and others. So in a way I am doing my part for society by openly saying it and letting others that may over hear know that yes it is a natural expereince and not to be ashamed or suprised if someone (or yourself) has gone through it.

So yay! Um.... this might be hard for you guys to hear but I am happy to talk about it, I meant no disrespect or anything, but when it comes to me feeling unhappy, uncomfortable, or unsure I have always kept closed. But, being back with you guys, has always been a huge help and a huge laugh *HUG* and I look forward to seeing everyone again. If anything, you were the only people I could be the most relaxed/ myself around. So thank you.

PS. Anxiety attacks are common, it is when your whole body seizes, you hyperventilate, and most people who go through them feel they will either faint or have a heart attack, it was important for me to learn that you can not faint (it is at the other end of the spectrum of fainting), the worst part will happen in the first 15 minutes (you just get so tired), and it is important to sleep and eat after.

PSS. There are alternatives to self harm. Where was school on this one. If you dig your nails into your skin it gives you a similar feeling but no lasting damage. The same for clenching cold ice cubes. It gives the same feeling as *cough* cutting yourself but no marks or lasting effects. I only hurt myself once and realized it didn't help which really spiralled me becuase for so long just thinking of hurting myself was enough to calm me down thinking of the control I would have from it but doing it didn't so I knew I was about to reach the lowest point.


To make you guys feel better after reading this - and I hope it isn't upsetting - I have posted a funny picture